I think it's all becoming real. It has been a tough week. I know it sounds cold, but I feel this would be easier if he died. I just can't move forward right now. I don't know what to do.

:/

Yeah so the trip to the nutritionist went bad. I didn't lose like the week before...but I was all up set and stressed and feeling like I was either restricting or muchin . Since I sit home alone at night food is easier then thought. I'm not binging or going on 300 cal. a day or anything just skimping on the meal plan. She decided I was to stressed to stay on my meal plan, I wasn't be good about it anyway. So, I'm off the meal plan. She didn't want me worked up over it since the ED has been my way of coping with emotions. He picked a fine time to leave, just when I'm learning to feel. We decided on easy snacks and such. I see her a week from Saturday. I'm not to lose but also not to stress about doing the meal plan just right. You have to love the black and white thinking. I was under the impression she was contacting my therapist. I see her tomorrow we shall see. As part of my treatment team they try to work together. At first I was thinking I don't need to plan my food, but I'm not looking for a cop out. I stick to it if I can. It is harder being on my own and working 40 hours in 2 and 1/2 days doesn't help much. Danny use to suggest meals of my food list and help me pack. Today was surprisingly rough. Yesterday was good just depends. Natasha is doing pretty good. She has the Mommy's house daddy's house down.

I had more to say but I'm wiped out today. I'm off to see what movie I can find.
Good night

what the hell happen

Hey haven't been around much. Actually my Internet was down. I got new service and they sent me the wrong modem...anyway. My life basically sucks. Danny called it quits on me on memorial day. How is that for a day to remember? He has been in his own apartment since June 4th. I feel all kinds of stuff...mad, confused, lost, pissed, hopeless. Some days are better then others but I guess that is how it goes. Right now I am mad, mad that he gave up on us after all these years. He refuses to go to therapy, because he thinks that it will make us hate each other.

I am just about to head out to my nutritionist. I am dreading it, I have been for 3 days now. I have either cut my meal/snack as much as possible or been sitting alone eating when I am not even hungry. It has only been 2 weeks since I saw her. I put the pressure on myself to stick to it since I only had 2 weeks. The weeks before I had 3 weeks and lost weight with my start up menu. This happens when they get your metabolism going again, but deep down I was pleased. I have been learning to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings and just know that is how I feel. I was learning to not act on all my feelings and thoughts. As of late it has gotten much harder. I noticed I have been mean to myself for the past few days. I feel like a big loser for not getting my meal plan down right. My sister was in town for the weekend with her new husband. This was good kept me busy but it also gave me an excuse not to eat since we were always out. I also seem to have a harder time eating in front of people. Like the care I know.

OK just needed to check in give you the latest news in my soap opera. I need to go find some breakfast before I head out.