One of those days when don't feel like trying. I want lay in bed with the blinds closed up tight. I spent the evening alone last night. I thought this would be good. You know all things you can do when your home alone and aloud to make noise and what not. I did nothing sat on the computer with the stupid TV on. Woke up at 3am with leg cramps which doesn't help and then the alarm went off at 5:20am and I didn't need to get up then. I just seem to feel extra shitty when my schedule is thrown off. I was supposed to go to therapy this AM, but she had to cancel. Plus the cereal bars I try to eat for breakfast are all gone. So, why should all this random crap ruin my mood...because I'm screwed up. That's why and not fighting today. So, I do have to leave my apartment. I'm not aloud to lay in bed all day. Is this good or bad hmmm. Well, better go get babycakes.
My most frequent used words...I don't know...I don't know and I don't know. I really don't know much. I don't know when or how or how come. I suppose the when doesn't truly matter in the grand scheme of recovery. The how doesn't get me anywhere either. I suppose how I am going to do this is a good answer to know.
Yesterday was sunny and warm enough to just toss on a sweater. I had a busy morning with my best friends 30th birthday wishes. But then around 3:30pm I was feeling..well, just "normal". It lasted a wonderful 6 hours, a taste of life almost free of depression and ED stuff. It was simply nice. I think there must have been rainbows in my coffee. I had or will have some schedule changes going on in my life. All for the better, better for the family and my recovery. I just finished working the second job. I think it has set in, I don't need to work 68 hour work weeks anymore. Then I had the chance to work my regular job during the week. Yes, that is right, no more weekends!! Woohoo. It has been 6 years of weekends, wow to much. It really just helps in enable my social anxiety. All this happened after a joint discussion, me D and the therapist all agreed I would snatch up the first weekday job that comes by. All this in attempt to put my marriage and ED into a more recovery friendly schedule. This was expected to happen in September, yeah!! We are 6 month early and boy do I need it. It is all still setting but honestly I don't see beyond a week right now. I live week to week, appointment to appointment. So, it will sink in when it all happens. It truly is good news, the best we have had in a while.
OK so I had my physical. They gave me the new girl she had to stick me twice, I have a great vein. It rolled um yeah sure. She chaired my chest x-ray even after measuring my rib cage to pick her technique. She couldn't get the EKG to work and she fumbled the scale. Oh yeah and we had to re-do the thermometer too. Anyway my blood work was sent out I find out how that is in a couple weeks. My heart rate was 44 beats, um yeah. So, now I will be put on a halter monitor for 24 hours. Doctor was going off about how healthy I was and how good I must be at endurance activities. Which is what the doctor said last year, but this time I just nodded my head. Sure I'm healthy right? Guess I'll have to fess up next time I see him. I feel stupid now, I just have a hard time talking about it. I'm even ashamed to tell the doctor. See stupid. OK now I want a cry.
Ok I did it I quit my part time job. It drove me a little nuts to think about it at first. I was enjoying packing away the money. To bad I'm not good at spending it. I think the with drawals have ended. I am feeling more at peace with my decision now and the thought of not having to go back very relieved. Besides what is more important, a job I put to much effort into, an extra pay check. I certainly had very little time with Natasha, who now prefers her Daddy over me. My marriage was wicked close to be over, who has time to connect when your working 68 hour weeks and the his school is like a full time job add the stress of dealing with all my issues and it is enough to make anyone run. Although I could use some extra money right now since treatment is expansive. I pay $110 a week once my deductible is met it goes to 60ish. Plus the cost of books and other odd and ends. I couldn't imagine what it will be if she sends me inpatient or day program. I guess it isn't all that much if it saves my fricken life. It just got to me since I have a new appointment with a nutritionist and the first visit is $115 and they want to see me weekly $70 dollars week which seems high when I already have the other appointment and payment. OK so I'm a little to worried about the cost and all, what can you do. Danny decided I needed to find myself. How do you do that? Well according to him you get away alone in a warm sunny place. So, yes he booked me a trip to a surprise location and I fly out alone for 5 days, the day after mothers day. How very sweet. Well, I need to go get ready I am going to get a physical this morning. Just so we know where I stand with my numbers labs and such. Then I think I am going to go see grandma with Natasha. We had a family day at home and didn't make it for Easter and I sure she needs to see her great granddaughter. I am a little nervous that she will bring up my weight. She notices most of the time. She didn't say anything last time I saw her. I was layered 15lbs lighter then I was when she saw more frequently, like November when I had one job. Now I am 20lb lighter, so yeah don't really want get into it with her. Today would be the best day to get a visit in since I have group at the hospital near her house. OK lots to do off to get ready.
Last night Natasha woke suddenly calling Daddy. She sounded scared so he went right in. When he climbed back in bed he said there was a dinosaur in her room. He told her it was her tricycle rocked her and took her potty. She woke again around 3 am and I did the same, but this time I put the dinosaur in the living room. I felt bad she was cared but I know this is normal and I found it quite cute. I got to be a hero and save her from the dinosaur. Now it wouldn't have been as cute if I had to work this morning so Natasha no of that tonight. I should never of had The Land Before Time on the TV. Sorry babes.
I am feeling better about blogen now that I got some of my stuff off my chest. I have a hard time talking about it. I only have a handful of people I can confide in. I find it difficult to talk about. This is my last week of working the extra job and hopefully being free of that will help me get a chance to get my shit together. I got to run Sunday in the dark of dawn in the rain. Very peaceful but when I checked my heart rate monitor my max was 215. That is crazy high and I guess I'm lucky I already have a physical appointment at the doctors.
I live in MI with my husband and our two year old daughter. We have been living here for 3 years after moving from Plymouth MA. I consider myself down to earth easy going and a can be shy. I love running and danceing. I miss the beaches in MA and love hanging at the beach.
